Dear Cold –
I’m terribly sorry I had to do this through a letter but this might save our dignity and make me look better, now that you’re surely moved on to other people. (Seriously? My entire office?) This note will be the last memory you’ll ever have of me, as I really don’t care for you anymore. You’re stifling me, interfering with my life. Yesterday was the last straw. I was all pumped for a marvelous 10 mile bike ride, but then you showed up and ruined the party. Huh. At least you had the decency to jump all over me before I actually got to the bike trail, instead of showing up halfway through with your coughing, wheezing self.
This is just the way it is. Don’t let it upset you. It was completely your fault, anyway. You have a history of stepping out, sharing yourself with everyone including me. I can’t get past your need to be loved by everyone – I am no longer even remotely interested in continuing this relationship with you.
You’ll be much better off finding a person that can deal with your annoying, snotty attitude. I’m glad this is done and we’re going our separate ways. Please don’t try to make up with me – just go away. Far, far away.